Just when I was thinking I had nothing good to feature for today, this listing at 18 Yonge Street hits the hot-sheets.

I’m not in the best mood today, and therefore I’m going to rip into this condo like I ripped into my Christmas presents from 1986 to 1993 inclusive: fast, efficiently, and with a reckless lack of concern for other people’s feelings…

I’m almost certain that Stevie Wonder and Helen Keller had a hand in pricing this unit.

Wait, take a step back.  Look at the profile picture above for 18 Yonge Street.  What do you see?  I see a PURPLE SKY, which we all know is quite common on planets not named “Earth” where Zoltar the Denier is your Realtor of choice.  Perhaps that is where 18 Yonge Street’s residents reside, since you’d have to be out of this world to pay for this overpriced garbage.

I also see no surrounding buildings, which would make the panoramic view from any floor of this building simply magnificent…..if in reality, their weren’t SIX other condo’s circling this building!

I also don’t see the Gardiner Expressway in this photo.  Did they demolish it while I wasn’t looking?

While I don’t expect any immediate claims of false advertising for the sellers of units at 18 Yonge Street, I do wish that I could go through life with my selective airbrush to take out minor imperfections like surrounding buildings, freeways, cars, and blue skies…

What the crack marketing team did to this profile photo of 18 Yonge Street is tantamount to this authentic photo below of me and Jessica Alba at the 2007 Teen Choice Awards:

I think I’ve made my point.

I’ve written full articles and made many mentions in passing about how much I HATE the buildings at 18, 16, 12, and 10 Yonge Street, as well as 10 Queen’s Quay.  They’re gawdy, overpriced, and cookie-cutter condos where there is no such thing as a square/rectangle room.  Try buying furniture for your bedroom when it has ELEVEN walls!

I haven’t even gotten to the price of this unit yet.

Try $369,900 for a 1-bedroom unit of 650 square feet.

BOOM!  Knocked on your ass, right?  That’s how I felt when I saw this.  For $369,900, I’d like to think I can almost get a 2-bedroom, 2-bathroom unit at many terrific buildings in the city.  I was in utter shock when I saw this unit, in this building, of this square footage, for $369,900.

I love the listing agent’s attempt at marketing: “Breathtaking Panoramic View & Unobstructed Views Overlooking Lake & City.”  Really?  Um, are you sure?  “Panoramic” often refers to a 360-degree view, and I don’t see how that is possible with a south-facing corner unit.  Unless you knock holes through the walls in eight other condo units, or paint a mural on your wall, your chances of having a north “city” view are slim.

As for the “Unobstructed” claim, I guess if you were living in the building with the purple sky in the photo, that would be possible.  But since 16 Yonge Street is directly across from your view, I would call that an obstruction, unless you are a professional architect and you get that tingly feeling everytime you see a skyscraper.

Now what DO you see?  Take a look at the photos below, and you’ll have an idea.  Well, there is an unobstructed view of the Go Train tracks next to Union Station.  Oh, I also see there is an unobstructed view of the Gardiner Expressway.  Good, because I don’t see my friend Ted very often and when he blazes down the Gardiner in his 1989 ‘Stang, perhaps I’ll catch a glimpse…

Now that brings us to the interior of the unit, not that I would ever step foot in there for any reason.  From the four pictures (not including the photo of the toilet, which really screams “$369K”), you can see that the unit is messy, boring, and very “average.”  The white walls in every single room really give the unit that mental hospital feeling, or that “We haven’t done a single minute of work on this unit since we bought it from the builder” kind of appeal.

The two plasma TV’s side-by-side in the living room is great, if you play in the P.V.G.P.L.A. (Professional Video Game Playing Losers Association), and yes, these leagues do exist.  What is even more pathetic is that they are televised, meaning that people out there are watching other people play video games on TV!!

Up, Down, A, B, Start, Select…..oh…thank God I took the warp to World 8, where I don’t live at 18 Yonge Street!

And just in case it wasn’t already painfully obvious, there is not ONE upgrade in this entire condo!  No stainless steel appliances, not even black appliances—they’re the cheap white fridge, stove, and dishwasher.  No granite countertops, and a really cheap plastic counter at best.  Forget hardwood flooring; there isn’t even laminate!  Mmmmm…..carpet!

Okay, I think I’ve had just about all I can take of this.  It’s almost lunchtime, and I don’t want to spoil my appetite by looking at this condo any longer.

Seeing new listings like this makes me realize what a great deal my friends and family got on their own recent purchases, and ultimately what I paid for my new “home” myself.

Maybe I’ll be less sarcastic with tomorrow’s blog post.

Although something tells me you all got a chuckle out of this one…

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